The Validation Debate (& How-to’s!)
Validation.
This is a topic I have a love/hate relationship with, and one that I feel is often misunderstood.
Many folks come into therapy with the perception that validation means agreeing with another person. Or even worse- that it means “giving in” or “giving up” on your own point of view.
This is where things get twisted.
Validation is NOT approval or acceptance. Rather, at a basic level, validation is acknowledging that a person’s emotions, thoughts, and behaviors have causes and are therefore understandable. It’s finding that kernel of truth in another person’s experience. By definition, being ‘valid’ means having a sound basis in logic or fact; reasonable.
So what’s the controversy here? Why the love/hate?
It’s my personal opinion that as a society we’ve become a bit overly attached to the idea that we NEED validation in order to feel content or believe that we matter. But the thing is…
You matter.
You matter when validation is present. You matter when it is not. When we become dependent on being validated, we start relying on something external, outside of ourselves, to tell us that what we are feeling or experiencing makes sense.
See… feelings are not inherently “good” or “bad.” Comfortable or uncomfortable, yes, but not good/bad, right/wrong.
In the same way, feelings are also not inherently “valid” or “invalid”. Regardless of validation, feelings exist. And thank goodness for that! Feelings exist to communicate to ourselves and others information about our internal experience.
But the thing is, sometimes how we feel is out of context to the situation at hand. For example- losing your temper and exploding in anger because of a minor inconvenience. In a situation like this, maybe the experience of anger is NOT valid, or based on logic and reason.
Rather than get hung up here, let’s just agree:
If something isn’t valid- don’t validate it.
I heard a phrase once that cuts straight to the point “You are not a parking ticket; you do not need validation.” Which okay- perhaps that perspective is a bit extreme. But remember, in DBT it’s all about finding the balance between two extremes or opposite ideas. So while being overly reliant on external validation can set us up for codependency, it is also true that validation can help us to feel closer and more understood and supported by others. Validating yourself can also provide comfort when we are filled with self-doubt or when your inner critic gets loud.
There’s also research to indicate that invalidation plays a role in trauma. This goes by the name “traumatic invalidation.”
“Traumatic invalidation occurs when an individual’s environment repeatedly or intensely communicates that the individual’s experiences, characteristics, or emotional reactions are unreasonable and/or unacceptable. Invalidation can be especially traumatic when it comes from a significant person, group, or authority that the individual relies upon to meet their needs. Traumatic invalidation threatens an individual’s understanding and acceptance of their own emotional experiences and often leads to a state of pervasive insecurity. Examples of traumatic invalidation can include emotional or verbal abuse, neglect, being blamed or punished after disclosing a trauma, a betrayal, or the abrupt ending of a relationship.” - https://bostonchildstudycenter.com/ptsd/
Like everything, it’s ~*nuanced*~
To recap, validation IS:
Expressing an understanding of another person’s opinions, wants, feelings, behaviors, point of view, etc.
Simply an acknowledgment of the other person.
And validation is NOT:
Agreeing
Approval
Liking the other person’s opinions, feelings, behaviors, wants, point of view, etc.
Validation is important because it:
Helps the other person feel heard and understood
Builds trust and respect in relationships
Helps people feel less angry during a conflict
Helps you work together to resolve a problem
That’s great and all, but you might be wondering… how??? Validation involves ACTIVE LISTENING, not just “mhmmm”ing someone to death.
So! Let’s get down to the nitty gritty and explore the DBT skill of Validation, including how we can use this skill in a way that makes sense in our relationships with others.
We’re going to break this down into 6 digestible parts. The information below can be found in the book DBT Skills Training by Marsha M Linehan, creator of DBT.
Pay attention. Like, actualllly pay attention. We all know what this means, but putting it into practice can sometimes be quite challenging. Keep it simple - look interested, listen, and observe. Avoid multitasking (yes that means put your phone away). Make eye contact with the person you are speaking with.
2. Reflect back. Repeat back what you understood the other person to say to you. You can even follow this up with “Am I getting that right?” This allows the other person to clarify if how you understood their message is different from what they actually intended to express. Try to get a sense for how it feels to be in the other person’s shoes. See if you can let go of any need to “prove” yourself or them right or wrong. Avoid using judgmental language or tone of voice.
Example: “So you’re mad at me because you think I lied just to get back at you. Did I get it right?”
3. “Read minds.” Normally something we wouldn’t want to do, right? But in this case, it simply means to notice the things that are not being said verbally. Pay attention to facial expressions, body language, and what is happening. Show that you understand in words or by your actions. Be open to correction as you try to understand the other person better in this situation.
Example: When you are asking a friend for a ride at the end of a long day and the person slumps down, you might say, “You look really tired. Let me look for someone else.”
4. Understand. Look for how the other person feels, is thinking, if he or she is making sense given the context of the situation. This doesn’t mean you need to agree or approve of the person’s behavior or belief. Rather, it’s sort of like connecting the dots to understand the reasons that person might feel that way, even if you might feel different in that situation. You could say “It makes sense that you… because…”
Example: If you sent a party invitation to the wrong address, say, “I can see why you thought I might be excluding you on purpose.”
5. Acknowledge what is valid. Show that you understand the other person’s thoughts, behaviors, feelings, etc. as being grounded in current reality and facts. Of course, not everything is going to be valid. Rather than arguing or disputing, for the purpose of practicing this skill, just stick to validating what is valid.
Example: If you are criticized for not taking out the garbage on your day, admit that it is you day and take it out.
And lastly…
6. Show equality. No one wins here when we try “one-up” or “one-down” the other person. Speak to the other person like they are your equal. Oftentimes it’s the tone of voice, not only the words, that can come across as demeaning or belittling. Be aware of your own verbal and nonverbal communication.
Example: Be willing to admit mistakes. If someone introduces him- or herself by first name, introduce yourself by your first name. Be careful in giving advice or telling someone what to do if you are not asked or required to do so. Even then, remember you could be wrong.
Like I said, it’s nuanced, right??
I find that the skill of validation is one that takes practice to really nail down. It also requires us to put our ego aside in order to be able to see eye to eye with another person’s perspectives instead of just trying to prove something.
The last thing to know here about validating others is that you might say and do all the right things and still not achieve the desired outcome (a peaceful resolution, less anger/frustration).
I always say that while these tools can be so helpful, they aren’t a magic wand. Even if the desired outcome is not achieved, I encourage you to use that as information. What could be done differently next time? Maybe one or both parties were too escalated to have that conversation in the moment? Consider what you might tweak next time in order to get closer to what you’d like to achieve, and give yourself credit for trying!
If you’re interested in digging deeper into this skill and more, I’d love for you to join me in DBT Skills Group for Adults, starting up in just a few weeks!
Until then, all the best!
xO Amy