Emotional Regulation Part 2: Check the Facts
In Emotional Regulation Part 1 we looked at different ways to regulate our body/mind through somatic, or body-based strategies.
In this blog, we’re exploring emotional regulation from the top-down using a skill from Dialectical Behavior Therapy. “Top-down” means we’re addressing the topic using a mindfulness and skills-based approach. To get real nerdy about it, these tools utilize the Neo-cortex.
Trauma & the Neo-cortex
The Neo-cortex is the the top layer of our brain, sometimes referred to as the ‘superior’ or thinking brain. It controls our use of language, communication skills, and our higher cognitive functions including reasoning, planning, and flexibility. This layer of the brain also controls voluntary movement and manages self-regulation by inhibiting and regulating the other layers of brain activity.
Many of us who’ve experienced trauma run into problems with these skills. This is because trauma impairs the thinking processes and rational problem-solving abilities of our Neo-cortex. It causes the Neo-cortex to lose its capacity to discriminate or inhibit activity from the other parts of the brain.
So when the reptilian brain, which is responsible for instinctive impulses and protective survival responses, sends a signal that a something like an email from your boss is a serious threat to your life, your Neo-cortex doesn’t have the ability to say ‘Chill, it’s not that serious.’ So, instead you enter panic mode.
Re-engaging the Neo-cortex can take time and practice. Skills based work is great for this because it provides a step-by-step framework that you can return time time and time again until the new neural connections in your brain are able to be up and running on their own.
Goals of Emotional Regulation
There can be different goals of emotional regulation, depending on what we prioritize. According to Dialectical Behavior Therapy, a skills-based approach to managing intense emotions, a few of these goals might include:
Understand and name your own emotions
Decrease the frequency of unwanted emotions
Decrease emotional vulnerability
Decrease emotional suffering
We’re going to use this post to address the goal of decreasing the frequency of unwanted emotions, using a skill called Check the Facts.
Check the Facts
Many emotions and actions are set off by our thoughts and interpretations of events, not by the events themselves.
Event → Thoughts → Emotions
Our emotions can also have a big effect on our thoughts about events.
Event → Emotion → Thoughts
Examining our thoughts and checking the facts can help us change or challenge our emotions.
How to Check The Facts
1. Ask yourself: What is the emotion I want to change?
Example: I feel hurt and angry.
2. Ask yourself: What is the event prompting my emotion?
Describe the facts that you observed through your senses.
Challenge judgments, absolutes, and black-and-white descriptions.
Example: I told my husband/partner how I felt about something that happened earlier in the day and he did not respond at all. I could observe that there were other noises around us (the kids playing, television in the background). I saw that he was looking at his phone while I was talking to him. I was across the kitchen from him at the time, so there was a bit of distance between us physically.
3. Ask yourself: What are my interpretations, thoughts, and assumptions about the
event?
Think of other possible interpretations.
Practice looking at all sides of a situation and all points of view.
Test your interpretations and assumptions to see if they fit the facts.
Example: I noticed myself thinking, “Whenever I talk about how I’m feeling he never has anything to say. It’s like he doesn’t even care.” I observed that I was using all-or-nothing language by saying he never has anything to say. I know this is untrue and unhelpful because even if it seems to happen sometimes, it’s definitely not every single time. My assumption was that he did not care about how my day went or how I was feeling. A different interpretation is that he was in the middle of something when I began speaking to him and was not able to give me the attention I was hoping for at that time. I was also thinking that maybe he was annoyed or upset with me for being gone for so long that day. Possibly he was already overwhelmed from being with the kids all day when I got back.
4. Ask yourself: Am I assuming a threat?
Label the threat.
Assess the probability that the threatening event will really occur.
Think of as many other possible outcomes as you can.
Example: The thought crossed my mind, “Is our marriage in trouble? Is he upset with me? Is he mad that I was gone all day and he had to watch the kids?” It also came to mind, “This is annoying. It’s like I’m talking to nobody,” which led to me also feeling a bit angry and confused about our relationship. The probability of him being upset with me over being gone is slim since we both agreed to this in advance and made time for him to get out of the house this weekend, too. We’ve overcome much more significant challenges in our relationship, so this probably isn’t anything we can’t overcome.
5. Ask yourself: What’s the catastrophe?
Imagine the catastrophe really occurring.
Imagine coping well with a catastrophe (through problem solving, coping ahead, or radical acceptance).
Example: If I imagined my marriage was truly on the rocks, I may sense my own guard going up to protect me from the hurt of a rupture in our relationship. I can work on imagining us spending time connecting with one another at a later point in the day, when it’s more quiet and with less distractions. I can ask him now if we can make time before bed to check in with one another, so I know we’ll have that quiet moment. I can work on accepting that we both have limited capacity on some days and it does not automatically mean our relationship is in trouble or that he doesn’t care about my day. If there really is a deeper problem of feeling unheard in the relationship, I can express this to him when I know I have his attention and when it is a good time for him as well.
6. Ask yourself: Does my emotion and/or its intensity fit the actual facts?
Check out facts that fit each emotion. According to DBT, the intensity and duration of an emotion are justified by:
1. How likely it is that the expected outcomes will occur.
2. How great and/or important the outcomes are.
3. How effective the emotion is in your life now.
Examples of emotions that fit the facts-
Fear: There is a threat to the life, health, or well-being of yourself or someone you care about.
Anger: An important goal is blocked or a desired activity is interrupted or prevented.
Disgust: Somebody whom you deeply dislike is touching you or someone you care about.
Jealousy: A very important and desired relationship or object in your life is in danger of
being damaged or lost
Shame: You will be rejected by a person or group you care about if characteristics of
yourself or of your behavior are made public.
Given that I don’t believe my marriage to truly be in trouble, my feeling hurt in this situation may be slightly out of context to the situation. Since I was able to slow things down, question my own automatic thoughts, and re-evaluate, I feel better trusting that my husband does care about me, and recognizing he was distracted or overwhelmed at the time. He did agree to talk later and we had a good conversation that stemmed from it. Though I felt hurt initially when he did not respond to what I shared, I now see that our relationship is actually stronger as a result of being able to talk about it outside of that moment when we both had the time and space for a real conversation.
If you’re interested in more top-down, skills-based approaches to mindfulness, emotional regulation, distress, tolerance, and interpersonal effectiveness, be sure to check out my others blogs including:
Setting Boundaries with DEAR MAN
Mindfulness: Practice or Buzzword?
The Validation Debate (& How To’s)
Distress Tolerance for Overstimulated Moms (blog with Central Mass Mom)
See you in the new year, friends!
xO Amy