Who are you now?
The following blog airs on a more personal side. I share my recent revelations about how out of touch I have felt with my true Self, the contributing factors that have led me to this place of disconnection, and the unfolding of a journey back to myself.
Earlier this year, I felt myself turn a sharp corner.
Who am I now? I couldn’t shake the question.
This wasn’t just a fleeting thought. It was an embodied, somatic experience.
It felt like trying to see your reflection in a dirty, fogged up mirror. There was a palpable barrier preventing me from connecting with who I am at my core. For months, I found myself dipping in and out of depression. The lure of intelluctualizing drew me in, a false promise that if I could just connect the dots and make sense of it all, my troubles would be resolved. My mind was constantly tangled in a web of the past. I felt lost and insecure, completely out of alignment.
Suddenly, I couldn’t find my voice. Attempts at showing up on social media or writing a newsletter or blog were met with a sturdy wall of internal resistance. I quite literally could not bring myself to do it.
In my gut, I knew the reasons behind this disconnection from Self were multilayered.
A postpartum identity shift was undoubtedly at play. Slowly, I have been transitioning out of a 6 year pregnancy/breastfeeding/postpartum cycle as my second and last baby soon turns two.
My body is nearly all mine once again, and with that comes both pride for all my body has done to create and sustain life, as well as its own kind of grief for a season that is forever coming to a close.
Yet, there was more to it than that.
Beneath the pressures of balancing a career and motherhood, I knew it was the more subtle, pervasive everyday habits that were keeping me feeling smothered.
My true Self was dying to feel seen, yet I was distracted in every imaginable way.
So I entered into a commitment with myself to let myself be fully seen. This readiness in my soul led me to my first experience with Ayahuasca, a powerful plant medicine whose roots go back hundreds of years to ceremonial use by Indigenous groups in the Amazon region. I longed to work with this plant medicine since before becoming a mother, and I heeded the nudge that now was the time.
What I came to find was that simply making this promise to myself was the medicine.
I wasn’t going to rediscover my true Self by adding more, but rather by removing the layers and distractions keeping me from seeing who I was within. So to both honor my commitment to myself and to prepare my mind/body/soul to receive Ayahuasca- “The Master Teacher”, I quit engaging in all the habits that took me away from my true state of being or that altered my body in unnecessary ways. Many changes took place in the process (you can read more about Ayahuasca preparation here), yet there were three that have fundamentally changed my life.
First, I stopped using marijuana. This, for me, was a very big deal. Ending this habit felt like walking away from an old friendship- someone who was always there for you, but who deep down you knew you had outgrown.
Initially this left me feeling raw and fully exposed to the underlying emotions that would otherwise be softened by a hit off a bowl. A part of me missed the ritual, the smell of it, the way it got me out of my head and dropped me right into my body. However, as time passed the clarity that I feel in my mind and knowing that I can support myself through my emotions without cannabis as a distraction or coping mechanism outweighs any desire to return to my previous level of use.
Next, I went on my first “official” social media fast. Instagram in particular was my other drug of choice. For years I longed to shift my relationship with social media, yet it always felt there was a reason to stay- to grow my private practice, market events, engage with my audience, and yes- to avoid being with myself.
On a deeper level, I became aware of how Instagram fed my longing for external validation. If I’m not constantly showing up with something to share, will I still matter? The thought of not being seen tore at my own unhealed attachment wounds. What started many years ago as an innocent relationship began to feel like I was tethered on a very short leash.
Giving myself permission to let go of social media, even if only for a while, felt incredibly liberating. I have felt my brain change in finding freedom from the constant dopamine hits and desire to stay relevant.
The “inbetween moments” I used to steal a look into my phone are now spent engaging with my children, practicing my newly rediscovered passion for learning Spanish, or checking in with myself- the person I had been longing to connect with the most.
And you know… there are no “inbetween moments,” I now realize. Life is happening now. And instead of starting the day logging into Instagram, I now step outside barefoot, slowly orient to the world around me, and thank God and Mother Nature for the gift of a new day.
Lastly, I stopped consuming caffeine. For me, this looked like giving up my one cup of coffee in the morning. Truthfully, I had no desire to stop drinking coffee but made this change strictly as part of my preparation for Ayahuasca. Physically, the withdrawal symptoms were much more than I had expected given my one morning cup a day. Yes, there were headaches. However, it was the surprising and intense muscle pain that kept me up at night and drained the life out of me.
A week or so after the Ayahuasca ceremony after a particularly challenging night with an unsettled toddler, I decided to reintroduce caffeine. This opened the door to having “just a little bit” each morning. Slowly, anxiety that I hadn’t felt in months started to creep back in. I chalked it up to the life circumstances and decided to have a full cup another morning. That night, I found myself awake until 2am.
After reflecting on how I felt consistently more level and regulated without caffeine in my system, I decided it was in my best interest to resume my caffeine-free lifestyle that I had just started dipping my toes in. I admit that I’m still discovering my rhythm without the rush of caffeine to jolt me awake first thing in the morning. While this may seem like a small feat, honoring my own sleep/wake cycles and tapping into my natural energy source has felt new and revitalizing.
While the Ayahuasca ceremony itself was incredible and unlike anything I had ever experienced (a story for another time!), the journey leading up to it and the changes that I’ve continued to make in this phase of integration have opened the door to finding myself again.
On one hand, it feels like I’ve stripped away a lot lately. But ultimately, I’ve gained so much more. I have a deeper trust in myself and the decisions I’ve made in life. I don’t feel the constant impulse to distract myself from the inevitable discomfort that comes with being a human. In fact, I value the present so much more. I am able to notice what pulls me away, and decide in a conscious, thoughtful way what is worth my attention.
By no means was Ayahuasca a “cure all” or a “quick fix” for the mental and emotional challenges I was facing. It did not make all of my problems magically go away, nor would I recommend it to everybody. Ayahuasca did help show me what I am capable of as an imperfect person simply doing my best to hold myself through the complexities and vastness of the human experience.
Now, the mirror feels less foggy. I have an even deeper appreciation for myself and a stronger sense of who I am now. And- I found my voice again.
Onto the next chapter.
Thanks for being here.
xO Amy Williams