Boundaries Part 2: Dear Man
Hi friends! So maybe you’ve reached the point of identifying that boundaries need to be set. Yay! This awareness that you are cultivating is an amazing, and essential, first step in protecting your time, space, and energy.
Now that you recognize the need to set boundaries, what’s next? This can often be the place that trips people up as underlying thoughts and core beliefs begin to surface. The tricky part is… if you’re tired of feeling walked on, taken advantage of, or just uncomfortable with certain people we cannot just expect that 1- people know how we feel or 2- that things will just change on their own. Take your power back, baby!
Notice if there’s a thought in your head holding you back from asserting yourself and setting boundaries with others. Perhaps these thoughts might sounds like-
“I just want to keep the peace.”
“They mean well.”
“I don’t want to cause a conflict.”
Recognize that these thoughts are keeping you in the people-pleasing loop. One thing to keep in mind here is that learning to be assertive by setting boundaries for yourself is NOT the same as being aggressive or starting conflict.
I think of communication as a continuum. Passive is on one end, aggressive is on the other, and assertive is right in the middle. With passive communication (ie “sweeping it under the rug” or “bottling it up”) we are implying that YOUR needs matter and mine do not. In aggressive communication (ie yelling, hostile language) we are saying MY needs matter and yours do not. When we are assertive, we are being respectful of our own needs AND the needs of another.
This is where the DBT skill DEAR MAN enters the chat.
This skill, from the interpersonal effectiveness module, lays the groundwork for how to communicate our boundaries in an assertive way. Respectful of me, and respectful to you.
Come along for the ride, my friends, as we uncover what the DEAR MAN acronym stands for and how you can begin using it in your own life!
DEAR MAN is an assertiveness skill. Assertiveness means directly and clearly making a request or saying no. The goal here is to ask another person to do something or to say no to another person’s request. Each letter in DEAR MAN stands for a way that we can be assertive.
D: Describe. Share the facts about the current situation. Starting with the facts will get you and the other person on the same page. “You’ve made a few statements about my weight tonight.
E: Express your feelings about the facts. Try to not be judgmental, and work on labeling feelings as feelings, and thoughts as thoughts. “I” statements work great here! Ex: “I feel uncomfortable when you make statements about my weight.”
A: Assert. Ask for what you want, or say “No” clearly. **Don’t assume the other person knows what you want. It’s up to US to advocate and speak up for ourselves.** Ex: “I would like you to stop making comments about my weight.”
R: Reinforce. This means doing something that makes what you want more likely. You can do this a couple ways-
Share the positive impacts of what the person is doing. Ex: “I feel more relaxed being around you and the family when people do not make comments about my weight.”
Share the negative impacts of what the other person is doing. (Might be more helpful to share positives first, and share the negative impact if you need!) Ex: “It makes me not want to be around you when you comment on my weight.”
Offer the other person a reward for doing what you ask. This doesn’t have to be a ‘reward’ in the typical sense- sometimes rewards can simply be saying thank you and acting grateful. Sometimes rewards can be doing something in return. Ex: “Thank you for understanding.”
M: Mindful. Stay focused, my friend. Remember WHY you are using this skill. Don’t get distracted. The other person may want to bring up xy and z times that are irrelevant, OR perhaps somewhat related but are not what you came to discuss. You can ignore either these comments, or be transparent that that is not what the conversation today is about. “I am happy to talk more about xy and z with you another time. Right now I’d love to finish our conversation about the comments that were made.”
If this is a situation where you are trying to set a boundary by saying “No,” try out the Broken Record Technique. Keep asking or saying no—over and over again. Sometimes being a Broken Record means repeating yourself in the same conversation, and sometimes it means repeating yourself in several separate conversations.
A: Act confident. You might be shakin’ in your boots about the idea of finally speaking up for yourself! And that’s okay- that is part of the process! There’s many things that can help us portray confidence, some of them include: making eye contact, having straight posture, speaking clearly, avoid mumbling or talking too fast, think encouraging thoughts.
N: Negotiate. Sometimes we gotta give some to get some, right? Be willing to compromise where can, or offer alternative options. Be willing to work with the other person- the often means hearing their perspective as well (which can be triggering and difficult, so give yourself grace here).
If the person you are speaking with is unwilling to budge, you can try the strategy called Turn the Tables. If the other person keeps saying no to your requests or is unwilling to negotiate, put him or her in charge of figuring out a solution. Ask, “What do you think we should do?” or “How do you think we can solve this problem?” Use a genuine and inquisitive tone of voice, otherwise you could come across as sarcastic which isn’t always a great style of communication to use in a conversation like this.
I hope you find this skill useful in helping you be more assertive with your needs! Others in your life may not be used to you standing up for yourself in this way, so it’s not uncommon to expect some push-back. Please note this does not mean you’re doing it wrong or that you shouldn’t have said anything. Rather, think of this as the first step in your journey towards establishing patterns that better serve you! You deserve to protect your time, effort, and energy!
All the best,
xO Amy Williams