Polyvagal Theory Part 3: Co-Regulation

Co-regulation.

The third and last organizing principle of Polyvagal Theory. This principle is all about our biological need to connect with others and create a shared sense of safety.

Polyvagal Theory shows us that co-regulation is a requirement for feeling safe, and that our physiology is regulated in connection to one another. Co-regulating connections invite us into a sense of belonging, of having a place in this world. Co-regulation is the way that the nervous system of one individual influences the nervous system of another.

Diving into this topic feels a bit like opening a big can of worms. There’s a lot that we could unpack here and different directions we could go. Attachment styles, rupture and repair, developmental trauma, attunement. All of these topics stem from the presence or absence of co-regulation.

To titrate our understanding of co-regulation in a way that feels easy to understand and digest, we’ll use this space to share a simplified overview of what exactly co-regulation is, and why it is important enough to be a pillar in Polyvagal Theory.

We are wired for connection.

One of the reasons humans have evolved to this point is through community. Belonging to a group or a tribe has been a survival strategy throughout evolutionary history.  Our autonomic nervous system longs for connection with another system and sends signals out into the world, searching for signals in return. Be it a friendly smile, warm and inviting eye contact, or a comforting tone of voice- our body is always searching for signals of safety.

Imagine the actions of our autonomic nervous system to be on a continuum, with connection on one end and protection on the other. When there are enough cues of safety, our system is able to enter into connection. When our environment is lacking safety, we move into a state of protection. The work of scanning for safety and for threat is done through our internal surveillance system, aka our neuroception, which often happens below our conscious awareness.

Co-regulation creates a foundation of safety and is at the heart of positive relationships. From this safe and secure foundation, healthy attachment and social engagement follow. Trauma, either through something that happened (abuse) or something that didn’t happen (neglect), interrupts the development of our co-regulatory skills (we’ll touch on this more later!).

Co-regulation starts in the womb.

Co-regulation begins in the womb, when an unborn baby hears the voice of their mother, or when their mother’s movement soothes them. When we rock our infants, comfort them when they cry, meet their needs, smile at them co-regulation takes place. Co-regulation is also at play when a child falls and skins their knee, looking at their parent for how to react. When the parent provides comfort without panic, the child is able to move on more quickly. It’s through continuous co-regulation that children develop the ability to self-regulate.

Attunement is a vital part of co-regulation, particularly in parent-child relationships. Attunement, or our ability to be aware of and respond to our child’s needs, is deeply connected to emotional attachment. With a reliable, regulating other, we engage in a rhythm of reciprocity and build experiences of safety in connection with another. It’s from this foundation of attunement and co-regulation that we learn to navigate interpersonal relationships throughout our lives. 

Trauma disrupts co-regulation.

However, for many trauma survivors, early experiences of being with a safe person in a safe place is missing or not always present. When we grow up experiencing childhood abuse without a safe other to co-regulate with, it’s likely we develop beliefs of not belonging and feeling alone. Loneliness can trigger a neuroception of unsafety, activating our autonomic defense responses and causing us to live in survival mode. In fact, social disconnection and social exclusion are shown to activate the same pain pathways as experiences of injury.

There is science to support that we still develop the capability for regulated autonomic responses if we’re only in an attuned relationship a third of the time. Another significant factor in developing regulated autonomic responses is what happens after there is a mismatch. In other words- how (or if) things are resolved when your needs are not met, or when your caregiver does not provide the love, nurturing, and support in the way that you are designed to receive it (sometimes, despite their best efforts). 

When there is ongoing misattunement or when ruptures are not recognized and repaired, the autonomic experience of constant danger shapes the system away from connection into patterns of protection. However, when ruptures are recognized and repairs are made a regulated, flexible, and resilient system can still be built.

Dependence creates independence.

The ability to self-regulate is built on ongoing experiences of co-regulation. Even as we get older and develop the ability for self-regulation, we still continue to seek out social interaction and co-regulation all throughout our life. The good news is, we don’t always need another human to co-regulate with. We can use the system of a pet or animal around us to help bring us into co-regulation as well. We can also use nature as a co-regulated resource.

Reciprocity in relationships is an important aspect of co-regulation. Reciprocity is a connection between people that is created in the back-and-forth communication between two autonomic nervous systems. I smile at you, you smile back at me. You speak, I listen, and vice versa.

When you did not grow up with a safe other to engage in reciprocity with, or if you are missing this now, you can experiment with imagined reciprocity. Both remembered and imagined reciprocity experiences can help shape our systems towards a state of connection and co-regulation. The next time you catch yourself feeling alone or feeling isolated, imagine being in connection with another, engaging in a back and forth conversation. Making mutual eye contact. Holding space for one another. This practice can be a resource when social support or safe people are lacking or not immediately available.

Questions to consider:

Who are the people in your life with whom you feel a connection?

What are the things you do together that foster connection?

What are the things you do to nourish your sense of connection to yourself?

Resources:

Dana, D. (2020). Polyvagal exercises for safety and connection : 50 client-centered practices. W.W. Norton & Company.

Dana. D. (2018). The polyvagal theory in therapy: Engaging the rhythm of regulation. W.W. Norton & Company.